Nothing
by snuggled
Summary: He was afraid of nothing and afraid of being alone, but that's what L was. L was nothing; L was a single letter. L was alone." A reflective look on Near and Mello, of what could have been but never was. COMPLETE


I started writing this back when I liked Near/Mello. I'm not too big of a fan of it anymore, so when I sat back down to finish this, the meaning of the entire piece changed. I hope you all enjoy it. I'm quite pleased with what it turned into, and I hope you're pleased with it, too. I really believe L had intended on them working together from the beginning, so that's explained in this as well.

Enjoy.

* * *

**"Nothing"  
**also titled  
_"Hail Mary"_

It was an uneventful day at the SPK headquarters, and the low hum of the computers bled comfortably into the silence. It was soft and lulling, and they welcomed it, the subtle sounds calming them from the stressful event of Mello appearing with Hal the previous day–which was really only an hour before midnight, so it was still fresh on their minds, as it was only eight o'clock in the morning.

The peace was interrupted by a small but commanding voice coming from inside a make-shift pillow fort, toys strewn around it, like a miniature civilization worshipping the god of a mountain in the center of the world.

"Lidner…could you do me a favor?"

She turned around, wondering what was on the small teen's mind. He had been hidden away in the fort ever since Mello had demanded his picture back the previous day. This definitely meant he had decided how to go about asking the Japanese task force about the fake rules. Any progress was a much needed load off of her mind–she had been worried ever since she started this job, and when there were lulls in the investigation she could not stop herself from worrying about everything–especially the thought that Kira (or now…always, Light Yagami, as Near had deduced) was still moving ahead of them.

"Yes. What is it, Near?"

"Call Mello."

This caught her completely off guard and pissed her off. Because of this, her mouth got the better of her. "_Excuse_ me?!" She turned sharply in her chair, glaring at the fort. After a moment, a small white head poked out, the face adorning it completely blank.

"…Is there something wrong? Why do you ask so harshly?" She stood up and opened her mouth, but Near spoke before she could. "If there is something you think I have done wrong, I would rather you speak to me after choosing your words…"

After a moment of preparing her mouth to filter out the string of profanities running through her head, she replied. "Near, I thought you had something pertaining to the Kira case, but you haven't been thinking about it at all, have you!?"

Near stared at her angry face for a while, listened to the suppressed hostility in her voice and poked his head back into the fort, uncomfortable of being looked at like that. "Of course not." And then he hummed to himself, rather loudly so the sound would carry beyond his cushioned castle. He often did this when he was displeased. Usually when he didn't get what he requested.

There was a tense moment of uncomfortable sound as Hal fought the urge to kick the fort over and strangle the poor child. This was ridiculous. It was a wonder she had been able to convince Mello not to pull the trigger. This child was so–!!

A deep breath.

She knew better and decided to comply to his wishes. Once he got something in his head, he wouldn't let up on it. She saw this in the weeks following the Los Angeles incident when he pressed the task force for the reason behind the unnatural acquisition of the knowledge regarding the location of Mello's hideout.

"What do you want to ask him?"

"Precisely. I want you to call him, so _I_ can ask him–which would require you to hand the phone over to me when he picks up. Please."

Just one swift blow to the back of the head and– _No._ She told herself. _Just do what he says so he can get back to working on the Kira case._ She pulled out her cell phone and dialed Mello's number, pressing the buttons much harder than she had ever done before.

--------------------

Mello had just walked in the door to the current apartment he was staying at–he had been on a fierce chocolate run since picking up his photo from Near–when his phone rang. He reached into his back pocket and flipped it out. It couldn't be Matt. Matt was currently out with the car getting it fixed–it was a rental, after all. With fake information on file, of course.

"What is it, Hal?"

"I'm sorry, just a second–" What followed was the sound of wheels rolling along linoleum tiles and the shuffling of cloth as it was handed to someone else. And then silence, save for a very faint breathing far away, as if the person on the line was contemplating speaking.

He heard Hal speak again and the rolling of the chair again, but farther off. "Go on. You asked for the phone. Now tell him why you called."

Mello immediately knew who would greet him this time, and he knew he wouldn't like it either.

"…Mello…" He tensed. Perfect. This was one of the times he regretted being right.

"What is it, Near?"

Near could hear the acid in his voice, but he could have cared less now that they weren't in the presence of each other. And that those angry eyes weren't looking at him.

"I wanted to ask you something…"

"I already told you I'm not telling you which rule–"

"It's about something else."

For the first time in a while, Mello wasn't sure what to think or how to reply. This was new and unexpected. Come to think of it, so was the phone call–what on _earth_ was Near thinking about?

Near continued. "It's about when we were younger."

"What, am I supposed to guess? You always talk, but say nothing. It's irritating." He knew that wasn't true. Near never spoke unless he felt it was needed. Whatever it was, it must have been on his mind enough to interfere with the Kira case. And apparently asking Mello was the only way to get it off his head.

"Do you have any regrets?"

"I regret not hanging up on you."

He heard movement and a short burst of air into the speaker, causing a loud sound to assault his ear, but it was different. Had Near just _laughed_? For anyone else it would have been a chuckle, but for Near it was definitely a laugh, as that was the only thing one could ever get out of him. Mello knew. He had tried.

"That's not what I meant, Mello."

Of course it wasn't, but Near insisted on being vague. Mello hated that. It's not like he was supposed to know everything Near was getting at…especially dealing with something so out of the blue as this.

"Near. You're pissing me off. Could you make this go a bit quicker?"

He heard Near sigh over the phone and he sighed too, mocking him. He was getting impatient and Near was refusing to make this easy. Hell, even the authoress was dragging this out.

"Do you have any regrets concerning the last day we saw L?"

On the other line, Mello tensed and Near sensed it. There was a soft, barely audible squeak on the line, causing Near to grin to himself. This was the second time he had caught Mello by surprise in this conversation. A personal best. When Mello was around people, he was much better at hiding his shock.

Mello didn't even want to _remember_ that time, let alone _answer_ Near. It was so awkward. Embarrassing. He wouldn't have even thought back on it if it weren't for Near asking him how he felt about it. He wasn't going to start letting something from the past bug him like this. He knew he'd move on after the conversation was over, but it wasn't over yet. He would have to answer Near first.

"Mello? Are you still there?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Do you–"

"I heard the question! Just give me a second… I need to recollect my thoughts. I'm trying to remember what happened that day." Which was bull shit. He knew perfectly well what happened. He shut his eyes and grimaced, feeling a migraine coming on. He squeezed on the bridge of his nose and held it like that, cursing a bit in his first language.

There was more silence on the other line, and Mello could tell Near was becoming just as uncomfortable as he was. This thought was satisfying, but it didn't stop his migraine.

------------------------------

_Mello was thirteen, Near was eleven. Roger had pulled them into his office. They faced a screen. L. Not the letter, but his actual face. _

"_Near, Mello… It's good to see you again…" He nibbled on his finger in that weird way of his, but his eyes were elsewhere. This was different. _

_Mello smiled enthusiastically. "L, we heard about your last case! It was cool, like always. Will you come back and visit us soon?" L smiled, and that made Near smile a little, too. _

"_I'm sorry…but…I'm sure you're aware of the current issue plaguing the news right now…?" This was not like L at all. He was usually very direct in his speech, and he certainly didn't ever sound apprehensive like he did right now. Mello frowned and Near stared at L, and the two boys began to feel a slight feeling of dread creep into the back of their hearts. Something was different, and it scared them._

_Mello couldn't stand that feeling, so he hastily answered the question L had asked them. "Something about Kira."_

_L smiled a bit. "Quick as always."_

_Mello glanced at Near with a victorious smile, but strangely it didn't feel like it mattered. Near simply ignored it, and L continued. "I'm going to come back after this case is solved. I'll choose which of you will be my successor at that time. Kira is going to get the death penalty for sure." As Mello's smile grew, so did the empty feeling. It felt like there was a space growing between them. Dividing them. Taking L away. _

"_You will come back, right?" _

_L produced a fork with a slice of cake on it and took a bite. Apparently he had food at his desk. _

"_Of course I will. And when I do, I'll bring you some chocolate. And Near, I'll bring you a toy. I hope to see you two–I __**count**__ on seeing you two soon." The two boys smiled, convinced themselves that L was sure of this and that he would indeed come back. _

_Near was the one to speak up this time, which was rare and Mello stared at him. "I hope you get back soon, L." To Mello it seemed as if Near was just as uncomfortable as he was. And in truth, he was right. Though he acted completely neutral, Near felt as if L was reading them his last will and testament. L meant the world to the two boys, and both of them could sense that L himself was worried about whether or not he would come back._

"_Near, Mello…please remember that my choice isn't based on favoritism, since I…" He paused for a moment and then gave them a pained smile. "Well, either way I'll give you my decision when I get back. I really do like both of you… Good-bye." Roger shooed the boys out and turned back to the screen. L looked up at Roger through the monitor and sighed._

"_Roger-sa–No, I mean, Roger… I have every intention of them working together as the next L, but I want them to make up their own minds on the subject–so if I don't return…"_

_Roger nodded. "I understand."_

_Mello stood outside of Near's room for a good thirty minutes before deciding to go in. As he turned the knob and opened the door a crack, he could hear the clack-clack-clack of the pieces of a puzzle Near had been working on being put in their place._

_He walked in and closed the door behind him, took a seat._

_Near seemingly took no notice of this, and continued to place the pieces in their proper place. After a moment, his fingers hesitated over a piece and he looked over in the direction that Mello was in. He didn't look at him, merely at the wall, so he wouldn't have to meet his eyes and see how sad the blond was._

"_I think so, too."_

_Mello got a bit aggravated by this, and he turned his head to Near, glowered at him with those angry eyes Near hated seeing. "I didn't even say anything. You're always like this–you always speak but say nothing. It's irritating!"_

_Near's face softened, and the pain was written on his face. "But…" His voice quieted so that it was scarcely a whisper. "You feel it, too…right?"_

_As much as Mello tried to deny it, as much as he claimed Near was always irritating and never making any sense, he always knew what Near was getting at. Even now, he knew that Near was just as alone as he was. He felt just as scared that L wouldn't be coming back. _

_Mello's eyes drifted around the room, finally settled on the floor. He turned his head to the ground and said nothing, but Near understood anyway. After a while, it became too hard for him to keep himself from shaking. His lips trembled, and he felt as if his heart was getting pressed into a block of lead, crushing his chest and making it hard for him to breathe._

"_I…I'm scared…N-Near… I'm scared he won't come back…"_

_Near's voice was more contained, but it was obvious by how quiet it was that he was just as scared. "Me, too…"_

_Mello shuddered. He felt empty. There was a void where his heart should have been. It ached and squeezed, and Mello was sure eventually his heart would be splattered in his chest, squeezed until all the filling came out. And yet, he couldn't find it in him to cry. He knew he should be crying at a time like this, but it didn't matter; he couldn't cry._

_He glanced over at Near and wrinkled his face. Near's face was completely blank. He didn't look scared at all. Was he really faking it? Was he laughing at him? His eyes narrowed and he got up on his hands and knees and crawled over to where Near was sitting, staring at the puzzle._

"_You're lying, aren't you!?"_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_You don't care! If you really cared, you'd look different; you'd look scared! You're lying, I know it!"_

_Near shook his head slowly. "No…I am scared…" His voice was soft, quiet._

_Mello's heart squeezed and he reached up to his hear, tearing at it. "I hate this! I hate it so much! Why are you like that!? You're not human!" After a while he stopped and grabbed his shirt, clenching his teeth. Yet he still couldn't cry, and it annoyed him. He felt as if he didn't care at all, that he simply pretended to care._

"_S…Say something…" He looked over at Near, watched him look up at him and frown. Near was silent, and finally Mello grabbed his shoulders. "Say something, dammit!!" Shook him._

_Near flinched, suddenly curling up as much as he could, but his expression remained the same. Mello glared at him, but Near just kept staring at him. Staring at him with those dead, emotionless eyes. It drove him crazy! Why didn't anyone care!? Why was everyone dead?? Everyone seemed to be dying slowly, and he was going to be left with nothing._

_Nothing._

_Nothing, like his dad leaving when he was five. Nothing, like watching his mother buy syringes and act funny and slowly drain everything that made her his mother out of her body. Nothing, like being useless in his efforts to stop her. Nothing, like finding her body cold and warped on the couch in the morning. Nothing, like Near ignoring him when he first arrived. Nothing, like L leaving him. Nothing, like what scared him the most and made him feel useless all over again. Nothing, nothing, nothing._

_He didn't want 'nothing' again. He didn't want to face that feeling of being small and insignificant and useless all over again._

_He leaned over and pressed his lips against Near's, putting all of his pain, all of his fear, all of that nothingness into the kiss. Near's arms buckled and they collapsed on the puzzle, scattering whatever work he'd done back out of order. But Mello continued._

_He trailed down to Near's neck, began unbuttoning his shirt. He kissed down his chest and suddenly pulled back._

_Near was lying there motionless, breathing underneath him. But his expression was the same, and he was just staring at him with those dead eyes. _

_It was all wrong. Everything was wrong, this was wrong. They were both boys; it was a sin, it was exactly what he was afraid of. He really had no love in his heart for Near, and it was nothing. Nothing. Even though it made him forget about nothing, even though it comforted him, it was still just that. Nothing._

_A few tears fell from his eyes, landing on Near's belly and Mello stood up. "S…Sorry… I'm s-s-sorry…" He went dashing out of the room and slammed the door behind him._

_He sat out there for an hour or more, clutching his rosary and crying, repeating Hail Mary's and Glory Be's, waiting for the familiar clack-clack-clack in the room that never came._

------------------------------

"Mello? Are you still there? Do you have your answer?"

Mello stared out the window and tried to speak, but words failed him. Near's voice grew somewhat awkward after a while, and finally the white-haired teen sighed.

"You don't remember the question, do you? I asked if you regretted what happened that day… Do you regret it? A simple yes or no answer will do…"

Mello sat down in the couch nearby him, picked absentmindedly at a thread that was loose. "Yes…I do regret it… I…I regret that I didn't regret what I did…"

For a while, there was complete silence over the phone, and he heard a small squeak on the line. His rival sounded somewhat sad, somewhat scared, when he spoke. His voice was small and quiet.

"Oh…I see… Thank you, I think I can work now… …Goodbye, Mello."

There was a pause, and Mello thought about saying good-bye, too, but never did. The pause lasted about thirty seconds until Near hung up, waiting for a farewell he didn't get and never would get.

As much as Near kept his expression blank, kept himself from showing any hint of emotion, he hated nothing, too. He was afraid of nothing, afraid that if Mello didn't say good-bye he'd never hear his voice again. And it dug at his brain and ate at his heart so that when the time eventually came, he could do nothing but brush it aside. Brush it aside and accept the nothing that always seemed to follow him around. After all, he was L. A ghost hidden behind a computer screen and a letter, with no proof of his existence at all. L was nothing; L was a single letter. Singular.

But it hadn't stopped him from hoping that he'd at least have someone to share that nothing with.


End file.
